“This is your last day here.” It has been weeks, but those words still ring through my head. They haunt me. They keep me up at night. It had been nearly 20 years since I had been invited to excel somewhere else and I had never been dismissed due to performance. Interestingly, I lost two jobs in a calendar year back then too and here I was losing a second one in 9 months. Had I made a mistake in leaving a position and company with whom I had been for 10 years? Had I become old and washed up?

I walked to my car in the parking garage in a mix of shock and relief. For several months, the job which I had once felt was a great opportunity had tarnished. I was 95% sure for a week that my time was coming to and end, but the optimist held to that 5%. Back in August I had thought myself fired, but I was still here in October. The sudden meeting request from my boss might mean some disciplinary function other than a separation, but in my heart of hearts I knew the time was ending. On top of that, my boss was suddenly interested in old e-mail chains that still dangled like threads in the wind. He was hands off for months and I knew this was just tidying loose ends. I was done.

During the interview process I was not able to fully articulate what I wanted. For 8 years, I had been a manager, then a merger happened. My team was scattered and I was just an administrator for systems that would soon be merged and turned down. My former boss left as did several colleagues. I felt alone and unused, but there was no hurry to leave. I passed on some opportunities, I missed others. One day, something I really liked came along and I leapt. A few months later, what looked golden tarnished and the client experienced budget cuts. I was a part of the cuts and found myself on the outside looking in. Several new opportunities came, but only one shown. I took it. Perhaps I was hasty, but I am too old to wait.

The first few weeks were great, but as the actual work presented, I wondered if I really wanted to do this. I felt like an outsider and never fully welcomed on the team. I told myself I was paranoid and playing the “old man” card too much. It would get better. One person left the team and then another. Was there a pattern here? The team was composed of two different management lines and the departures were only on one. Coincidence? I told myself no.

A first status check meeting. I’m behind. What was I going to do to right the ship? Hmm… That’s not leadership. Maybe my younger boss wanted my ideas. I gave some and got to work. I met the numbers of which I knew. Surely the next meeting will be better.

I expressed feeling alone and unguided. The work was self-explanatory I was told. The teams were self-guiding I was assured. Just pay attention and ask colleagues. Ok, I’ll so that.

The known numbers were met. New knowledge was acquired. Things were surely going better. Ok, let’s rock this one. I’ve got this. Tickets came and went. But. But….underneath frustration. Some teams were unreceptive. Some teams were uncooperative. Work around it.

Second status check. New numbers presented. Wait. What? When was this put into place? Apparently,  I was supposed to know this by osmosis. Well, that is VERY odd. If a goal has not been communicated, how in the world am I to know to hit it? Ok, new goals. Redouble efforts. After all, the team finally seems to have accepted me and is helpful. Other teams have allowed me to get items done as well. Updates are being tested and code will soon be in production. Surely, I am being paranoid again.

For the third time, the warning signs were unheeded.

I kept telling myself I was too old and it was too soon to look for something else. A few items came and went, but nothing was as good. I talked to others. I talked to the recruiter who got me this job. Maybe I was being paranoid. Maybe I was seeing things that were not there. Maybe it was all in my head.

The team keeps getting more distant. Stand ups are less engaging. No one attends the weekly product meetings I conduct. Few ask high value questions. What is going on?

I sat and listened to the person who would soon be my former boss. I had no emotions. Yes, I was in shock, but I was angry. I was angry with myself that I had not listened three months ago. I was right. I was right about everything and now I had no leverage. No head start. I knew for a week, no for a month, that things were not right. I can’t believe I was losing a second job in a calendar year. I knew other recruiters would want to know why.

I listened to my options. I listened to how much they would give me. I had a few weeks. I would have some time. I checked my e-mail. Oddly enough, two recruiters had returned messages. Before I would leave the garage, one would call me.

Things would be ok. I breathed. Gratitude overcame me. I was thankful. I was happy. I had been released from prison and the next assignment would be better. I knew it. It is.